Professionally printedPersonalised for your childDelivered by Royal Mail18+ · Just for fun

How it works

From your kitchen table to their bloody doormat

It takes about five minutes, and you'll see every filthy word before you pay.

How it works

From your kitchen table to the North Pole and back

It takes about five minutes, and you'll see the finished letter before you pay.

Here's how it works

Three jobs for the elves. None of them paid.

About five minutes for you. You'll see the whole thing before you pay, swearing and all.

Here's how it works

Three jobs for the elves

About five minutes for you. You'll see the finished letter before you pay.

How it works

Three stamps on the way to your door

It takes about five minutes, and you'll see the finished letter before you pay.

How it works

Three steps to ruining their Christmas

It takes about five minutes, and you'll see the whole letter before you pay.

How it works

Open the door to a world of abuse

Five minutes for you. One very rude surprise for them.

Filing a complaint

Three simple steps. No appeals.

Takes about five minutes. You see the full complaint before you pay.

Last orders

Three rounds. All on them.

Five minutes for you. You see every word before you pay.

How it works

Knitted with love. Written with spite.

Five minutes for you. You see the whole letter before you pay.

Inside Santa's workshop

Every letter is written for one knobhead

No two letters are the same. Santa brings up the things that matter: their town, their worst habits, the stupid thing they did this year and how everyone has frankly had enough.

  • Names and shames them, town and all
  • Brings up the thing they hoped you'd forgotten
  • Swears exactly as much as you want him to
  • Signed by Santa, who is fuming
Start grassing them up
Santa in his armchair giving the finger
Shit
List
PostDear Isla, the elves tell me you reversed into the Christmas tree. Again. Rudolph and I were not even slightly surprised…Santa
Inside Santa's workshop

Every letter is written for one child

No two letters are the same. Father Christmas mentions the things that matter to them: their hobbies, their town, something they're proud of this year and the present they're hoping for.

  • Mentions their town or village by name
  • Praises something they've done well this year
  • Talks about the present they've asked for
  • Signed by Father Christmas, or Santa if you prefer
Start writing their letter
Father Christmas smiling with two elves holding presents
North
Pole
PostDear Isla, the elves tell me you learned to swim a whole length of the pool this year. Rudolph and I were very impressed…Father Christmas
No two letters the same

He knows about the 2am voicemail and the kebab in the car

Every letter is written for one person, using the dirt you give us. It reads like Santa has been watching them all year, and frankly he's appalled.

  • Their town, named and shamed
  • The stupid thing they did this year
  • Their worst habit, in detail
  • A P.S. from Santa. It isn't nice.
Start their letter
Santa smiling and giving the finger
Dear Oliver, Rudolph tells me you've been an absolute nightmare to live with this year. The bins, Oliver. The bins…Santa
No two letters the same

He knows about the lost tooth and the swimming badge

Every letter is written for one child, using the details you give us. It reads like Father Christmas has been keeping an eye on them all year.

  • Their town or village, by name
  • Something they've done well this year
  • The present they've asked for
  • An optional PS from Father Christmas
Start their letter
Father Christmas smiling with two elves holding presents
Dear Oliver, Rudolph tells me you've been ever so kind to your new baby sister…Father Christmas
Written for one person

He knows about the kebab, the karaoke and the thing at the work do

Every letter uses the details you give us: their name, their town, their worst habits and whatever they did this year. It reads like Santa has been watching them all year. He has, and he is not impressed.

Start their letter
Dear Dave,
Rudolph tells me you still haven't paid Gaz back for the taxi. Twelve months, Dave. Twelve. Mrs Claus says you're a lovely lad. Mrs Claus is wrong.Santa
Santa laughing and giving the finger
Behind door number 24

Every letter is a surprise. Not a nice one.

It looks like the loveliest thing on the doormat this Christmas. Then they start reading, and Santa starts on the bins, the driving and the karaoke.

  • Their name, their town and their worst habits
  • As rude as you want: cheeky, rude or filthy
  • Ready-written, or written fresh by AI
Open their door
Santa laughing and giving the finger
Incident report

Every complaint is investigated. Thoroughly. And then they get a letter.

Tell the department what they've done. Santa reviews the evidence, reaches the obvious verdict and writes to them personally, by name, with full details of the offence.

File a complaint
OFFICIAL FINDINGRe: Dave, of Wigan. Following a full investigation into the taxi money, the department finds that Dave is, and remains, a bellend. No further action. Merry Christmas.Santa giving the finger
Overheard at the bar

Santa's had a few, and he's got opinions

Tell him who's been naughty and he'll tell them exactly what he thinks: their name, their town, and every daft thing they did this year. Cheeky, rude or absolutely filthy. Your call.

Buy them a round
Santa laughing and giving the finger
Hand-knitted at the North Pole

Warm, cosy and deeply personal

Like a Christmas jumper from your nan, it looks lovely from a distance. Up close, it's got their name, their town and every stupid thing they did this year knitted right in.

  • Cheeky, rude or absolutely filthy
  • Ready-written, or written fresh by AI
  • Matching certificates to frame
Knit them a letter
An elf sitting and giving the finger
Written for one child

Every letter is different, because every child is

Father Christmas mentions their town, praises something they've done this year and talks about the present on their list. You can add a PS of your own, too.

Start their letter A log cabin in the snow with reindeer under the northern lights
My dear Amelia,
The elves have been telling me all about you. Riding your bike without stabilisers this year? Splendid work. Mrs Christmas says you must be very brave.Father Christmas
What's in the envelope

A little parcel of pure spite

Santa winking and giving the fingerThe letter

Personalised from top to bottom. Every insult hand-picked.

A smug reindeerAn official certificate

An optional extra page that makes it official. Frameable.

A robinNamed envelope

So they open it thinking someone loves them.

What's in the envelope

A little parcel of Christmas magic

Father Christmas peeking over holly and a golden bellThe letter

Personalised from top to bottom, on the design you choose.

A reindeer in a red scarf beside wrapped presentsNice List certificate

An optional extra page to say they made the list this year.

A red North Pole postbox with a robin on topNamed envelope

With your child's name and a North Pole postmark on the front.

Wrapped and ready

What's in the envelope (besides abuse)

Santa in glasses giving the fingerThe letter

Personalised, printed, and rude from top to bottom.

A gingerbread man giving the fingerAn official certificate

Optional extra page: official proof they're a bellend.

An elf wrapping a presentNamed envelope

It looks like a lovely Christmas card. It isn't.

Wrapped and ready

What's in the envelope

Father Christmas peeking over holly and a golden bellThe letter

Personalised from top to bottom on your chosen design.

A reindeer beside wrapped presentsNice List certificate

An optional extra page: proof they made the list.

Wrapped presents, a teddy and a lanternNamed envelope

With their name and a North Pole postmark.

What they get

Beautifully made. Deeply offensive.

Their letter from Santa

On proper festive artwork, so it looks lovely. Right up until they start reading.

An official certificate

Optional, frameable, and signed by Santa himself. Perfect for the downstairs loo.

Their name on the envelope

It looks like a lovely Christmas card on the doormat. That's the point.

What's inside

Something lovely. Allegedly.

Their letter

On beautiful festive artwork, personalised from top to bottom.

A certificate

Official, frameable proof of exactly what they are.

Their name on the envelope

So it looks like a Christmas card. Until it doesn't.

Enclosed

The paperwork. All of it.

The letter

A personal response from Santa, on festive North Pole artwork.

The certificate

Optional. Makes the finding official and frameable.

The envelope

Addressed to them by name. Looks innocent. Isn't.

On the house

What they get served

The letter

Personalised, beautifully printed and absolutely brutal.

A certificate

For the wall. Or the bin. Their choice.

The envelope

Their name on the front, looking all innocent.

Wrapped up warm

What's in the parcel

Their letter

Personalised from the first stitch to the last.

A certificate

Optional, frameable, and not at all flattering.

Their name on the envelope

As welcome as a jumper from your nan. Probably less.

What's in the envelope

Postage & contents

Personalised letter

On the design of your choice.

Nice List certificate

An optional extra page, to prove they made the list.

Named envelope & postmark

Their name on the front, stamped at the North Pole.

The workshop

STEP 1 Choose your design

Letter shape Every design works with every shape

STEP 6 What the letter says

Each letter is written for one child. The next steps only ask for what your chosen letter uses.

Signed by

STEP 2 About the child
STEP 3 Why they're a dick

Write it as Santa would say it to them, starting with "you", e.g. "you got stuck in the lift".

STEP 4 How bad have they been?
STEP 5 What they want for Christmas
STEP 7 Envelope

Every envelope carries the shop name, a North Pole postmark and the child's name.

STEP 8 Delivery

Postal address Your browser may offer to fill it in

When should we post it?

STEP 9 Check and pay
★ Most popular extra
All aboard the mail train

Pick when it's posted, and the elves chuck it on the next mail train south

Choose "as soon as possible" or one of our December posting dates. The elves' commentary comes free.

Elves riding a red and green mail train loaded with letters
All aboard the mail train

Choose when it's posted, and the elves load it onto the next mail train south

Pick "as soon as possible" or one of our December posting dates when you order.

Elves riding a red and green mail train loaded with letters
For schools & nurseries

Raise money for your school, nursery or playgroup this Christmas

Parents order a personalised letter from Father Christmas for their child and enter your code at checkout. For every letter ordered with it, your school, nursery or playgroup receives £1.00. It's free to join, and there's nothing to sell, collect or hand out.

  1. Sign up below. It takes two minutes and there's nothing to pay.
  2. Get your code. We check your details and email you your own code, such as ACORNS24, and a private access key.
  3. Share it with parents. Use your free promotion pack: printable posters and flyers with your code on, a ready-made email and a paragraph for your newsletter or parents' group.
  4. Earn from every letter. Every letter ordered with your code earns £1.00. See how many have been ordered at any time, and we pay everything you've earned by 31 January.
  • Your own code, ready to share
  • Posters and flyers to print, with your code on
  • A ready-made email and newsletter paragraph for parents
  • Your own page showing how many letters have been ordered and what you've earned
  • Money paid to your school by 31 January

Apply for your partner code

Contact us

We're here to help

Questions about an order, our partner scheme or anything else? Send us a message and we'll reply as soon as we can, usually within one working day.

About an order? Include the order reference from your confirmation email so we can find it quickly.

Send us a message

We'll only use your details to reply to you. See our privacy notice.

Not ready yet?

Get a reminder next Christmas

We'll email you once a year when Father Christmas is taking letters again. Nothing else, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Questions

Questions from partners

Questions

Before you order

Just for fun. Never for abuse. Santa's Shit List is adult novelty humour, for friends, family and colleagues who'll take it as a joke. It is not for hate mail, abuse, threats or harassment. We turn down orders that cross the line, and anyone who gets a letter can ask us never to send them another. Didn't find it funny? Tell us